Inside Out | the inner thoughts of an artist lost in time + love — Feb 2019

They say it’s either the brain or the heart that decides. The parallels between rationale and impulsivity.

How do we listen to the voice of reason when we are subdued with the narrative of the inner child?

We build these pictures up brick by brick in our heads; a house of intricate and deeply profound situations and scenarios we construct in the foundation and rooftop of our imagined brain domain…

From a young age, I’ve always imagined how I could make the inside of my brain have the same interface as AOL, or hopefully throughout the years the user interface would receive an upgrade. The menus and navigation bars definitely got their fair share of updates. Crazy to say it’s as simple as just thinking it. :)

It is incredible what we can emulate and play scene by scene in the viewing platform of our own minds. A series of constructed scenes that may never find fruition, but we can conveniently play it back on our BPN (brain private network).

I find myself constantly fascinated and bewildered at the complexity of humans, but at times we are also so simple. Simple in a millenial way of classification you know, find me an oat flat white and I’ll have heart eyes all day.

We find ourselves on innumerable occasions suffering from our own attachment to certain ideas and ways of existing. Time and time again, attachment really is the root of all suffering or is it just the way I am feeling right now?

The vibrant fabric of the human mind and imagination. There’s no colour that you can’t create in your head, our minds are so immensely powerful and creative. Yet somehow we often verge into grayscale and become a little colour blind to the actual reality and gravity of a situation because of skewed perceptions and beliefs. Are you seeing what I’m seeing right now?

Sometimes, I wish I had said more before it was too late. I have feared hurting others for so long that I hold my tongue and now I vow not to repeat this so often.

When I look back, I really did fuck up a number of relationships by being too quiet. If I had said more, maybe I could have connected more or built more. You have always been the type to write, I admit. I accept being hurt so often, I don’t set boundaries as often as I should. Why? Don’t perpetuate this, you wouldn’t allow this in any other context so why here? Traumatic bonding, is that what they call it?

Should I want more?

I like to think that what I want is simple, but many tell me I’m living in my own fantasy world and many say that I’m particular. The narrative of the nomad is of one that ponders around the Earth in search of new places, people and insights to expand on my ever widening craft. The world is your home and no smaller than that. This journey always seemed most suitable to be done solo. Let’s see if your story pans out this way.

Isn’t it interesting peeling away to reveal the different facets of your character? How different facets appear in different types of relationships or how these encourage certain behaviours and qualities to come out. How you struggle to say certain things to some people and with others the words just churn out on autopilot.

There’s been many days now that my brain has been looping the same scene and dialogue over and over. The only thing I can do is lay here. This is my vegetative state and I am currently owning it. This is the only thing that feels comfortable right now. How many shades of depression is this, I thought I already knew what depression looked and felt like a long time ago (you were wrong)

Get up. Please. Try harder? It gets harder the longer you stay there. You have 3 days tops and this show is up.

You’re not the type to do this. What’s going on? You always get back on your feet. Time is ticking, there’s so much you want to do, let’s get out there and do it.

The trepidation in your breath crucifies you, numbs you, it wears you down. And yet why do you still hold on to this? Suffering is a construct, you don’t have to suffer. One step at a time, there’s so much here for you. You know this, you feel this.

It feels big but next month it will feel so much smaller, you’re on the greatest adventure of your life and it’s barely beginning.

The world is yours.

It’s going to be ok, it always is.

Edit Oct 2020 : I do think my writer voice is more dramatic than my actual self as I have to describe feelings with actual words and I enter my pseudo Shakespeare mode.

When did I feel better? I had some special assistance (you can message me if you want to know more) and meditated on it and I heard a voice that just kept telling me to ‘let it go’ and no, it wasn’t Elsa. Holding on to ideas and beliefs often causes you to bleed more than you were intended to. Exhale and let it go, the weight will fall off.

There’s degrees of depression and as with most things it’s on a spectrum. I bounced back pretty quickly and immersed myself in my craft and doing things that make my soul sing.

It’s the 30th of October now and I’m facing episodes of depression (due to different things) at times because I’ve seen my future self a thousand times and they are not happy with what is going on right now. I’m still learning to stay more present, it’s a constant daily reminder. I’m trying everyday to evolve in one way or another. Ups and downs are inevitable, live your life as fully as you can — life is to be experienced.

P.S : I have a fair share of drafts that I have left on Medium for at least a year so I promise I’ll do my best and post the content. I do enjoy using this space as a thought catalog as well as churning out some new types of pieces I haven’t written before.